Monthly Archive for December, 2005

Reading

Published
by
marcy
on December 20, 2005
in life
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Every Tuesday for the past four months I’ve gone and read to one of the third grade special education classes here in Macomb. What a treat it has been for me and I might say for them as well. In four short months I’ve fallen in love with these kids. It’s wonderful to walk into the room and see them working hard, or goofing off or trying to help each other with whatever work they are assigned. It’s wonderful to walk into a room and see their eyes light up because I am there and they know what I am there for. It’s wonderful when they are putting on a magic show and a play this afternoon and I tell them I am coming and they get excited.

It’s changed my perspective on kids. Also, having other people’s babies around has made me think about having my own kids a little bit more. Sometimes I cannot believe the amount of love I have for these children and cannot even begin to imagine what that love would feel like if that child had come from me, made with someone who I love dearly.

Which has then really made me think about committment, marriage, life, partnership. What they all mean and how they fit into my life. Understanding that when I love someone it is because I love them and it doesn’t matter what other people think (unless of course he is an asshole and beats me and people try to stop that, this isn’ t the case). The role of a lifetime relationship is an important one and I’m feeling really stupid, ashamed, lost, sad these days at the reality that I have most likely ruined my chances with a particular person, a particular person with whom I can see life working.

It doesn’t matter where he works or that once a year he may be gone for a few months working in Maine. What matters is that he knows how to take care of me, wants to take care of me. It matters that he likes to walk in the woods, takes notice of the beautiful things in nature which I also notice, that when he thinks of me he picks lilacs and leaves them on my doorstep because he knows it is my favorite smell in the spring. What matters is that he says he wants to learn new words and for christmas last year I buy him a word a day calendar (this year too, but who knows if i’ll have the chance to give it to him), when I first met him and hadn’t let fear creep in yet I left a line of hershey kisses on his car window.

But I am afraid. Afraid of loving again, giving my all and the end results being what they were with Brad. Afraid of the pain. But is the pain of not having worse than the pain of having and losing? I’ve come to the conclusion that the pain of not having is worse. I love this person, I know that much I can only hope for yet another chance.

Over

Published
by
marcy
on December 17, 2005
in life
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The semester that is. Finally. It’s been a hectic one I have to say, between ferrying Shonie back and forth to the eye doctor and traveling for work or weddings I haven’t been around much. I’m looking forward to time to chill out, sleep, read etc. I’ll leave to head to NJ early Wednesday morning. I’m not sure how long I am going to stay, right now my plan is until at least the 27th. I want to have some time off at home here in Macomb so that is why my stay in NJ will be so short. I’m looking forward to seeing the girls, Brenda and Sophia, Monica and of course the rest of my family. I’m sad that Shelli and Olivia won’t be up this year, but I will try to get down to see them sometime in the spring. I should be doing my Christmas cards but I’m not. I doubt I will. Don’t really feel like it. I’ll send cards to a few key people.

My friend Sharon sent me St. Theresa’s prayer yesterday. I’m always amazed that things such as this come at very appropriate times and help me gain perspective on whatever it is I am struggling with at the time. I have no idea if this is indeed true, I checked and couldn’t find anything saying it WASN’T. All I know is that yesterday and today, it has helped ease my troubled mind.

Here it is:
In case anyone is interested, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses.

St. Theresa’s Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
______________________________________

Not only is the semester over, but Mr. James Huesmann’s term as Dean of University Libraries at Western Illinois University is as well. The thought of this brings tears to my eyes, I will miss him dearly. I have never had a mentor who was so in tune with what I needed to learn, what I needed to hear, what I needed period. I can’t imagine the first time I will need to have a sit down with him to go over an idea, problem, or just to vent. I don’t know where I will go. I’m absolutely terrible at saying goodbye, my hope is that I am able to say goodbye and not just leave for NJ without saying a word. This is to much for today, especially since I’m sitting at the coffee shop and don’t want to cry in public.

Hopefully, today I will find my peace within.

Questions

Published
by
marcy
on December 13, 2005
in life
. 0 Comments

Yesterday I asked myself two very valuable questions.

How does one define a need and how does one know that the defined need is valid?

What the heck am I talking about? I’m talking about need. The need to have a companion, someone to share my life with. Is that a valid need I have or do I think I want that because everyone else wants and has that? Hmmmm….Brenda said I think to much. I know she is right. I just can’t help it.

There are things going on, I’ve questioned many aspects of my life in the past year. I’ve gone places I never thought I would, I’ve tried to figure out this whole fear of commitment issue and in the process have caused people pain. Do I take the risky road and decide I am going to commit to someone (someone who I’ve probably blown my chances with) or do I take the safe road and go along with whatever I’ve been doing in the past that obviously doesn’t work?
On a happy note, I’ve got my photogallery in the works:

My photo gallery

Wow

Published
by
marcy
on December 7, 2005
in life
. 0 Comments

How the time does fly, in minutes, hours, days, months, years. I was sitting here dilligently working on a recommendation for a student who is applying for library school, the planning committee meeting we had this morning, and looking for grants so I can buy a server to host GIS data for the campus to use. Then I looked at the clock and it’s already after noon. OMG. Where does the time go? Then I stop and think about the FACT that in a mere 22 days I will have lived here for 3 YEARS!! Holy Canoli.

With that thought, I’m off to grab something to eat. I’ll try and be more prolific in the future, however, I’m having trouble making the time :-) I want to work on the website too, will hopefully get to that over break!!